of petrichor and solitude
by Wintersia
Summary: They say, unexpressed emotions never die. They temporarily go away but tend to be more painful once they come back. — Levi/Mikasa.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin. Hajime Isayama does.**

* * *

She didn't really count, but it already seems like years.

She wondered what's been going on without him. She kept telling herself that she was strong, that she could do everything by herself, that she didn't need him.

But here she was.

She still had many things she wanted to do , but now she just didn't do anything. Or more like she didn't want to.

A part of her heart said, "_Probably you just don't want to when he's not around anymore._"

For a second, she thought she was helpless and it couldn't be helped.

No, no, she had no right to be this weak. She knew she was capable to stand on her own two feet, with or without him.

_If the old me could do it, why not for now?_

She closed her eyes and began to listen to the sound of raindrops falling. The rain rarely comes, but once it comes, it is so heavy that it may be considered as storm.

To be honest, she just felt uneasy with rain. It's so melancholic that it reminds her of things she didn't really want to remember.

Another figure stood still, watched silently as the girl paid her attention more to the rain. He knew that she knew that he was here.

But she should walk forward and dealt with the present. She didn't know how, when, and why he was here, and she had no idea whether it is right or wrong for him to be here too.

Even it's only a little, he swore he could hear a slight shake of her voice as she opened her eyes and whispered,

"You shouldn't."

* * *

If silence and him were combined then it would make a good company for her.

Sometimes that was all she needed. She didn't really like noises, especially when she had things to think about. And he wasn't a man of words actually, so the silence itself was just by being with him. She was not afraid of things getting awkward, well, it's just him anyway.

It was always like this.

The raindrops kept falling, and the patterns they've left on the window were enough to bring back some fragments of memories.

He stared at her, the rain, and the slight change of her expression, until he spoke,

"You don't like the rain."

From the way it came from his mouth, she was not sure whether it was a question or a mere statement.

* * *

It was raining when she had lost her parents too.

No wonder she didn't really enjoy it.

But her mother ever told her once, that if the rain didn't exist, then the rainbow wouldn't come.

She knew it when she met a certain green-eyed boy named Eren Jaeger.

* * *

"Not really."

Silent.

"You like it then."

He didn't see a sign of a 'yes' or 'no', not like he expected an answer anyway, but his eyes widened a bit when she tugged on her red scarf and replied,

"Only the smell of it… maybe."

He stared at her again, and muttered, "Why."

She turned around to face him as she said,

"You do smell like that, sometimes."

* * *

"What is that?"

She didn't bother to look at him as he asked her and tried to focus on her work. A little bit more until she finished the last part. "Armin told me," is all she said.

"Tch." His eyebrows twitched in annoyance. "I don't have time for childish stuffs."

"It's not like i want you to help me and it's not for you too, anyway."

"Whatever, brat."

She ignored him and continued what she was doing. He pretended not to care, but it's true that curiosity kills the cat. It took him over and he finally decided to take a peek.

"Jack-o'-lantern?"

She nodded before spoke, "But i'm naming him Levi-o'-lantern."

"What the hell."

"He looks like you."

Levi was back to his usual grumpy mode and blurted out, "What part you see in that shitty ugly pumpkin that makes you thinking he looks like me?"

"The grumpy face, i guess?"

He shot her his infamous death glare and she couldn't help but curl her lips up a little.

"Sorry not sorry, Sir."

* * *

Funny how could they have such great memories at a time like that.

Although both of them knew that there would always be a limit, yet they wished they could stay together forever.

The 'forever' they had didn't exist anymore since that painful day.

* * *

"We're withdrawing, now!"

Mikasa breathed heavily as the scent of blood still managed to invade her senses. She followed the orders and quickly pulled on the reins of her horse, rejoined with the others. She saw Armin, Sasha, Jean… all of them were soaked with blood and sweat. _At least they are alive,_ she thought.

She wondered if Eren was okay.

She turned her head to the left and right, hoped to find her adoptive brother. Soon, the familiar figure of titan-shifter boy was caught quickly by her eyes. He was also soaked with blood and sweat but he looked fine and she breathed in relief for that.

But in the next second, she noticed that something was wrong.

"Corporal Levi is…"

The rest of the words remained unspoken, but judged by the absence of the humanity's strongest soldier, everybody started to knew what was happened.

That was when everything around her became dark and unclear. Things were blurted out, one by one. She felt like she was dragged into black hole where everything seemed blur. _Blur. Obscure. Vague_. How he had fought a bunch of titans before his group got separated from him, until he was nowhere to be found, not even a single thing was left, everything just sounded not right.

He was the humanity's strongest soldier and there is no hell of way he couldn't make it to come back.

But he did _not_ come back.

"No."

Mikasa tighten her grip on the reins and suddenly she tried to change her horse's direction back to the place they've just left. Her impulsive action was recognized quickly by Commander Irvin and with dead serious tune, he spoke,

"We're withdrawing."

Her body stopped after hearing her superior's order and she turned around, only to see the final sign from her Commander's eyes.

But she refused to give up and said, "But, Sir, how about…."

She didn't manage to finish her words as her gaze met with Armin's and the blonde-haired guy just shook his head, making the young Ackerman lost a little bit hope.

Mikasa turned around to face Eren, she hoped she could seek a sign of agreement from him, but she felt a pang on her chest when Eren turned his gaze away from her, both of his fists clenched and lips pressed together.

He tried hard to hold back those overflowing emotions and urges to rush back.

That's enough for her.

She understood. Very well.

_Enough._

"Mikasa!"

Jean quickly blocked Mikasa's way when he saw her attempt to leave the groups and go back to _that _place—God knows what place it is and for what reason she needed to go there.

Mikasa shot Jean her best death glare as she muttered, "Move."

Jean shook his head and said, "I won't let you."

"Just move, damnit."

"_Mikasa Ackerman._"

The sudden change of Irvin Smith's tone—now a lot more serious with a pressure—shocked her enough and she just realized that she was trembling for a while.

_Why? _

"Do you hear me?"

* * *

"You're so stupid, Mikasa."

She didn't say a word when her adoptive brother started to lecture her. The way she almost got her ass into trouble was enough to make Eren upset.

"I can't believe that you were so reckless," he said.

Her fists clenched until she could feel a little bit pain because of it. But it was nothing compared to what lied deep inside.

_Why_, she thought. _Just why_.

"What if something hap—"

"You did want to go too, didn't you?"

Widened jade of his finally met with the onyx ones. For a second, he was at loss of words, because those eyes, those eyes were filled with mixed and unnamed emotions. Is it angry? Is it disappointment? Is it frustration? He didn't know.

Although he noticed a slight of emptiness beyond all of them.

"Admit it, Eren."

_It couldn't be._

He broke the eye contact and murmured, "I did."

"If you did then why?"

It's true that there are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. Eren and Mikasa knew it very well. The feeling of letting go is something common to consume for soldiers like them. And it's also their choices not to let those feelings take or break them_._

"Corporal once said."

_"The only thing we're allowed to do is to believe that we won't regret the choice we made."_

For the sake of not letting any more victims, he had made his choice. And that was not anything to be regretful for.

"He was often being in the same situation. You, of all people, should know how it was."

The last thing she got in her mind was that it started to rain again.

* * *

Yes, she still got a lot of things to learn from him. And things she hadn't told him yet. She hadn't apologized for being such a trouble for him. She hadn't thanked him for everything.

She hadn't told Levi about her little-and-more-like-often-to-be-denied secret.

A secret made from her, Levi, and a tiny but extraordinary place somewhere deep within her heart.

They say, unexpressed emotions never die. They temporarily go away but tend to be more painful once they come back.

And that was how she felt when she saw him standing in the corner of her room, the night after The Scouting Legion got back from mission.

* * *

_What is he to you?_

A man who kicked her brother and made her wanting to put a revenge on him.

A man who almost killed himself for saving her life.

A man who continuously adviced her to control her emotions even though she still did mess up everything in the end.

A man who could kick some sense into her but turned out it was his way to comfort her as well.

"You don't have to remember me, brat."

_For i'm the one who will…_

* * *

"Don't."

She didn't shed tears, she didn't look angry, she didn't smile either. She simply looked at the window, head not being down, but her mind was completely taken away by a certain clean-freak, short and grumpy Corporal.

"Don't."

The moment she gained back that pleasure, she knew that someday she would have had to let go again. She just didn't expect it to come this soon. Yes, the time has come, this time the fate probably had marked another goodbye for the two of them.

"Don't."

_It's hurt._

_Pain wasn't a new thing for them, but how does it feel hurt so much?_

He took some steps, tried to eliminate the gap between them, and she still hasn't changed her gesture yet, as he began to get closer and closer to her.

The dark blue eyes found their way to the black ones. God, those black eyes were so beautiful but also hollow, and he mentally cursed himself for making such beauty lost its souls.

"Brat."

She held her breathe as the sudden chills hit her.

"Believe in the path you've chosen."

_The path of protecting Eren._

"Never regret it."

_But i do when i'm going to see you leaving._

"Live."

This time, she dared to move her fingers to touch his figure. She touched his arms and felt nothing but cold. Only cold.

He whispered something in her ears before gave her a slight pat on the top of her head.

"Mikasa."

_Don't leave._

"I've always…"

_So cold… so dark… but they took his pain away… did it always feel like that?_

The candle's light in her handmade so called Levi-o'-lantern went out.

A tiny light within her also did so.

From now on, the scent of rain might always remind her of him. But Mikasa needed to know, that actually everything would.

_Will it be her turn to find him, or his?_

* * *

_Nous nous réunirons à nouveau._

* * *

**end**

* * *

**A/N: **

i felt i had to write this. i'm so sorry, the next time i may come with the ones with happy ending. :) oh the line in summary is quoted from twitter psychological. i wrote this while was listening to **soledad** by **westlife**. old song but one of my favorite.

please leave me your comment, and constructive criticisms are always welcomed. i really need to improve. and anyway, **thank you so much** for reading. all hail rivamika! /insert heart-shaped emoticon here/

Xo

Winter


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